Monday, February 13, 2012

You Might Be a Terrorist If...DHS Edition

Having apparently learned absolutely nothing from the Missouri Information Analysis Center fiasco of 2009, when their report "The Modern Militia Movement" leaked and stank up the blogosphere for a while, the Homeland Security Science and Technology Human Factors/Behavioral Sciences Division (now that's a great bureacracy name, isn't it?) has issued a report titled Hot Spots of Terrorism and Other Crimes in the United States, 1970 to 2008.

Of course, the fact that it's 2012 doesn't speak too well as to the timeliness of the report. But give them a break, they're a massive bureaucracy, after all, and can't be expected to react to myriad threats in a timely manner.

The report is actually produced by START, otherwise known as National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism, based at the University of Maryland. Aren't those government acronyms cute?

After a thorough reading I am now completely convinced that the authors were paid by the word (why else all the redundancy and round-about modes of expression?) and per scholarly cite, as well as a hefty bonus for colorful charts and graphs.

I think this report is certainly worthy of reasoned, scholarly analysis in the manner of Jeff Foxworthy, so to that I dedicate these humble efforts. Now remember, after reading each of these bullet points aloud, you should encourage those around you to join you in the chorus: "you might be a terrorist!" It will provide the most entertainment if you read it in a library, on public transportation, or beside an open window in a crowded apartment or office complex.
If you're from New York City, or Maricopa County, Arizona... you might be a terrorist.
To be fair, they threw a bunch of other counties in there too, but I didn't want to list them all, so I just picked a couple of extremes.
If you were an extreme left-winger in the 1970s... you might be a terrorist.
If you were an ethno-nationalist or separatist in the 1980s... you might be a terrorist.
If you were religiously motivated in the 1980s... you might be a terrorist.
If you were an extreme right-winger in the 1990s... you might be a terrorist.
Heaven help you if you were a hippy in your youth and grew up to be a religious conservative -- you've been on their list for decades.
If you are fiercely nationalistic... you might be a terrorist.
If you are anti-globalist... you might be a terrorist.
If you are suspicious of centralized federal authority... you might be a terrorist.
Apparently if you love the US, and the UN for which it stands, you're in the clear for this group. Unless you love them too much, in which case...you might be a terrorist.
If you are reverent of personal liberty... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe you have a right to own guns... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe taxes are theft... you might be a terrorist.
Carrying around a copy of the Bill of Rights, or having them emblazoned on your rear bumper, appears to be contraindicated...or you might be a terrorist.
If you believe in conspiracy theories that involve grave threat to national sovereignty... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe in conspiracy theories that involve grave threat to personal liberty... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe that your personal way of life is under attack and is already lost or that the threat is imminent... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe that your national way of life is under attack and is already lost or that the threat is imminent... you might be a terrorist.
Everything is under control, citizen, and that applies to lovers of big government and smaller government alike. Don't worry about anything...or you might be a terrorist.
If you believe in the need to be prepared for an attack by participating in paramilitary preparations and training... you might be a terrorist.
If you believe in the need to be prepared for an attack by participating in survivalism... you might be a terrorist.
If you take your Constitutional requirement as a member of the national militia seriously, or if you obey FEMA's recommendation to keep a week's worth of food and water on hand...you might be a terrorist.
If you want to overthrow the capitalist system and establish “a dictatorship of the proletariat”... you might be a terrorist.
If you want to overthrow the capitalist system and establish a decentralized, non-hierarchical political system... you might be a terrorist.
Oh, oh... bad news for the Democrats...you might be a terrorist.
If you seek to smite the purported enemies of God and other evildoers... you might be a terrorist.
If you seek to impose strict religious tenets or laws on society (fundamentalists)... you might be a terrorist.
If you seek to forcibly insert religion into the political sphere... you might be a terrorist.
If you seek to politicize religion... you might be a terrorist.
If you seek to bring about Armageddon... you might be a terrorist.
Note to the religious right, most of the Republican Presidential candidates, and supporters of Israel on a biblical basis...you might be a terrorist.
If you are a member of any regionally concentrated groups with a history of organized political autonomy with their own state, traditional ruler, or regional government, who have supported political movements for autonomy at some time since 1945... you might be a terrorist.
If you obsessively focus on the anti-abortion issue... you might be a terrorist.
If you obsessively focus on the anti-Catholic issue... you might be a terrorist.
If you obsessively focus on the anti-nuclear issue... you might be a terrorist.
If you obsessively focus on the anti-Castro issue... you might be a terrorist.
Just in case we missed you earlier...you might be a terrorist, too.

and finally...
If you are in the military and blow things up under orders, you're not a terrorist. But if you're in the military and blow something up freelance... you might be a terrorist.
I wonder if I'm on their list now?

...and that's all I have to say about that.

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