Saturday, February 4, 2012

My Guaranteed 100% Correct Super Bowl Predictions

I predict a bunch of relatively rich to very rich people will get richer; club owners, ballplayers, league officials, television network executives, concession operators, bookies, Indianapolis bar, lodging, restaurant, strip club and outcall services operators, crooked cops, tow-truck operators and lucky gamblers, among others.

I predict a bunch of relatively rich to very poor people will get poorer:
  • Unlucky gamblers;
  • saps who spent a fortune to travel to the shining holiday destination of Indianapolis in the dead of winter to sit on horrendously expensive hard chairs in whatever weather comes their way to barely watch a game they could have enjoyed from the comfort of their living room with a cold beer close at hand that didn't cost $15;
  • Even bigger saps who had arranged to do all those things, but didn't wake up in time because they were so busy in the aforementioned bars, strip clubs and massage parlors and so hungover that they couldn't have crawled out of bed and gone anywhere even if they had;
  • the horrendously unlucky saps who tried to have a good time last night but instead ended up in a jail cell, mugged, or with a case of some nasty disease because they couldn't stay out of the aforementioned strip clubs, resist calling the outcall service, or out of dark alleys or their cars after having had too much to drink in pre-celebration.
  • Smaller saps who spent a fortune on "The Super Bowl Party to End All Super Bowl Parties" (including the huge new TV and sound system) to impress their friends and neighbors, and have to spend another fortune cleaning up the resulting mess and repairing the damage caused by drunk, boisterous, thoughtless attendees.

I predict a bunch of hard-working middle-class people will enjoy a windfall in exchange for working very, very hard for a couple of days; concession hawkers, bar and restaurant wait staff, cleaning crews, police, fire and EMS workers, tow-truck drivers, and hookers, among others.

I predict somewhere there will be thousands of dollars worth of damage because rowdy celebrants or disgusted, disappointed fans can't express themselves without doing damage to something.

I predict there will be people fired and others arrested for running Super Bowl pools they never had any intention of paying off, or because they intended to pay it off, really, but they blew the money in pre-game and post-game celebrations instead.

I predict a number of divorces because "If you get drunk one more time and act like an asshole..." threats will finally be carried out.

I predict there will be knock-down, drag out fist-fights, busted friendships, divorces and even a few babies born in nine short months because Jimmie and Sally, who don't give a damn about football, were surreptitiously involved in extra-marital activities in the hot-tub, swimming pool or bathroom while their respective spouses, Ann and Roger, were so focused on the television set they never noticed they were gone.

I predict at least one coronary death, either from the final outcome of the game or someone laughing so hard at one of the commercials they pop a valve.

And finally, I predict either the New England Patriots or the New York Giants will win, unless the game is a tie, or it's called due to weather or a national emergency.

To borrow a phrase from another blogging buddy: "Cheers, all!"


...and that's all I have to say about that.

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